@jakob_huber

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

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@mela_shea

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

@scorpicpanda

I’m gonna covet you. I am gonna covet you so hard. I am gonna covet the holy living shit outta you.

C’mere.

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

@Queen_Sassy_AF

Thank you for the “avi is not me” disclaimer in your bio. I was thinking David Hasselhoff sure isn’t very popular on here with 13 followers

@Shen_the_Bird

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

@PeteBlackburn

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden: