Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?