Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.