Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say