For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Oops I deleted….
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.