@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

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@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@ch000ch

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

@The_MartiniGirl

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@mostly_cheese

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

@robfee

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

@amydillon

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

@Spaziotwat

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@lisaxy424

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night