@dave_cactus
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
@robfee
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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@dave_cactus
@ch000ch
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
@The_MartiniGirl
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
@WilliamAder
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@mostly_cheese
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
@robfee
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
@amydillon
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
@Spaziotwat
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
@lisaxy424
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
@Home_Halfway
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry