“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
2022 will be better than 2021
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?