God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry