@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

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@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@Itskarleytime

Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.

@ThatAdamKid

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

@bombsydoll

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted

@ArfMeasures

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

@chuuew

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

@sofarrsogud

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)