Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!