“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
You Might Also Like
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]