@jrza84

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

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@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

@FattMernandez

To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”

ME: “Look! Ice cream!”

*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“

@TheOnion

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

@wendchymes

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”