My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
You Might Also Like
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.
3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”
ME: “Look! Ice cream!”
*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”