Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
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[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks, here, have some.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”