HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.