Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”

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Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant


Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…


Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.


The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”


Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?


“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”


I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.


The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.