Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.