Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”
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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.
Would be 100%. But, Texas.
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.