@philyuck

Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
What?
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”

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@DanMentos

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

@RunwayDan

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

@TheMichaelRock

If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.

Would be 100%. But, Texas.

@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

@LorieGZ

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

@KindOfASmartass

I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored

@RayfromCincy

The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.

@pixelatedboat

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.