“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?