The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
You Might Also Like
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go