“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!