Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures