“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*

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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours


Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold


-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.


ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager


Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…


Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.


Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.


this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one


October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.


My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.