@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

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@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@pilau

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”LindseyEllison2″;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/378800000102924655/b3e616c039ec94a6468ed3e3aba69840_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”355424627050295298″;s:7:”retweet”;s:1:”6″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

@CatalystNB

“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”