@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

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@suecorvette

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@ohpegah

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

@whatyawant3

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@TheDairylandDon

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

@3sunzzz

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.