“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
You Might Also Like
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.