Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton