Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
You Might Also Like
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My biological clock is wheezing.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.