“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
guys i’ve cracked the code
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.