@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

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@knot_eye

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

@Otter_News

No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.

@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

@truegritrumble

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

@PaperWash

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*