Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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All Day At Night
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit “clear” multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice