i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The honesty is refreshing
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.