@skickwriter

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

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@HatfieldAnne

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

@BrattyBarbie

Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

@JimmerThatisAll

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

@Marlebean

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

@foodfacenow

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

@breatheandlove

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

@Marlebean

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”