Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
waiting for halloween be like:
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.