Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB