Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
These dogs look like they have good credit.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Oh no
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying