HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there