@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

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@primawesome

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@itsAndoh

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.

@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*