They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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What is WRONG with you???
Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything
schrodinger: ignore that
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?