@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

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@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@bombsydoll

What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything

@BuckyIsotope

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

@WorstCassie

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@sfreeze6

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.