@specialsquid

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

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@RoobsC

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@tjcirimele

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

@GriffLightning

OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40

@DaddyJew

Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling

Me: what’s that?

Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*

@tastefactory

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

@TragicAllyHere

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

@Fred_Delicious

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”