Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40
Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling
Me: what’s that?
Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”