“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
No chill.