hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you


In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.


Him: Wtf is wrong with you?

*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos

Me: I’m just really tired.


Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick


It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face


Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.


My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help


You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.