@Kalarlis

hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

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@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@YourMomsucksTho

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@Twtercide

Him: Wtf is wrong with you?

*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos

Me: I’m just really tired.

@Book_Krazy

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

@courosa

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

@ThisOneSayz

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

@JKickinit30

You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.