Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars