My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.