Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
doing some research
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
This is a bad sign
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?