I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
New mindset, who dis?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.