@thatdutchperson

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@onedumbshark

My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.

@MableGertrude

I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

@IndecisiveJones

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

@mattZillaaaa

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!