Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I thought this was funny lol
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*