hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
same vibe as tangled headphones
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.