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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot


Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*


Taken 4: Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says “just keep her. She’s annoying and I’m tired of this”


My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.


I just tried on bathing suits and now I have to burn this fitting room down so it can never hurt anyone again


{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?