Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books