Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?

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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”


Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.


Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.


Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.


*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!


Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”


You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.


Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?


Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.