Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.

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FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.


I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.


I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.


Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.


ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details


My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.


Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.


Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot


Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.