@j0hnonline

Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.

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@MooseAllain

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@Goofpoops

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

@3sunzzz

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

@Invisichad

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

@sarah1mc

Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.

@DanMentos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

@panmidwest

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

@Smooheed

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time