Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.