@j0hnonline

Hi we’re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can’t ever find our dog.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

@skittle624

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

@onedumbshark

My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.