hi why am I like this
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anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Look Ma, no handle on things
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends