hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
He-man has a Masters degree
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”