@haleysfalling

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

@HMittelmark

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

@astutenewf

Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.

@briangaar

I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8

@rose24_em

21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.