@haleysfalling

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

You Might Also Like

@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

@RunOldMan

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@Whoizthatbitch

Them: can I talk to you?

Me: not now, I’m in a bad mood.

Them: why?

Me: because you wanna talk to me

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

@NeverEnd88

My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@QwertyJones3

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.