Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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“i miss shittin on people”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.
I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.