hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
i wish i could marry a nap
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg