Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
Them: can I talk to you?
Me: not now, I’m in a bad mood.
Me: because you wanna talk to me
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.