hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me, flirting😏
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that