Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Spotted in New Orleans.