To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.
I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag