Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Is this you?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.