Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
shit just got real
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.