When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”