Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Close call…
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard