@lecalabara

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

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@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@flashember

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

@karanbirtinna

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@JordanPeele

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@empressofsong

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

@joeljeffrey

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.