When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.