Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.