@notacroc

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

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@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@kevinjrr

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

@Cpin42

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@mattsurely

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.