Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”