Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
necessity is the mother of invention
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.